As she dreams (in hopes they are of me) on the other end of the phone in a peaceful slumber miles away, here i am listening for the faintest sound of her breathing while my mind races over every possible thing I can think about her in a matter of seconds. I think if you’re up in the late hours of the night you’re in love or missing someone, or in my case, both.

I think of her unique way with words and all the sweet things she writes me often and all the mushy, lovey things she says to me. She doesn’t think she’s as good at writing as I am, but I disagree. I’ve yet to decide if this is because they are HER words of what’s inside her intriguing mind, or if it’s because she has a knack for making even three simple words take on a whole new meaning and instill emotions in me I never knew existed. Her words consume me and ignite a flame deep inside me, all the way down to the butterflies that are still there from the moment I first kissed her. I breathe her words in like oxygen- letting them overtake me and flow through my veins. So maybe it’s that-
Or maybe it’s the way her voice sounds as she reads these words to me, because ah, her voice… if there ever was a Heaven, it is found in her voice. It is only when she speaks to me I am transfixed in bliss. It doesn’t matter what that voice is doing, whether it be the serious and captivating way it sounds as she’s reading something to me; or the cute, childlike way it sounds when she gets sleepy; or the seductive and sadistic way it sounds when she’s turned on; or the happy, flirty way it sounds when she’s tipsy and giggling nonstop; or the heart-melting, stomach-fluttering sound it makes when she’s laughing uncontrollably; or the sweet and loving way it sounds when she says, “I love you”-
Yes, her voice is definitely where solitude can be found. But wait, what about her smile? No, I could never forget the way my heart races and the way my chest tightens when I see her radiating smile. The way her mouth forms the most perfect shape and the soothing look she gets in her beautiful, green eyes as they light up and shout, “I’M HAPPY”-
If her eyes talk so loudly, what about her hair and the way every tendril falls so perfectly into place? The way she lets it down and it screams my name to grab at the nape of her neck tightly and pull her lips into mine-
Oh, her lips… if there ever was a God, he is the one responsible for these lips and what they do to me. The way her lips leave me breathless and weak in the knees when I kiss them. They leave me insatiable- I’m always wanting more and more and more. Kissing someone has never given me such a feeling of ecstasy. If there’s one thing I cannot live without, it’s her lips and kissing them as I run my hands down her body to her hips-
Her body. How I cannot keep my hands off of it. Her delectable neck that she never lets me kiss because I can’t control myself when she does cave in; her stomach and how it calls my name to plant kisses all over it; her hips and how I want nothing more than to dig my nails into them; her cute butt and how I spend more time staring at it than she can fathom; her perfect legs and how I want nothing more than to sink my teeth into them; her hands and the effect they have on me- how they light a fire deep inside me engulfing my entire being in flames.

As I look at the seconds of our phone call tick away and sleep finally consumes me I ease my racing mind with one final thought: she’ll never know that while she was sleeping on the other end I was awake thinking of anything and everything I love about her.


- This is a thing I wrote just now. I think I’ll call it 2 AM.

When Two Become One

The only light in the room is the tiny flicker of each individual candle and the never-ending lights of the city that the loft overlooks. A warm, sweet aroma fills the air especially that of Johanna’s smooth, bronzed skin as she slowly rolls her body to the music playing in the background. She rolls her hips and slowly grinds herself on Tor’s lap as she straddles her in the chair. Tor rests her hands on Johanna’s waist then lightly grazes up every inch of her tone back, all the way to her long, dark hair, and begins to run her fingers through it. She grips Johanna’s hair softly then pulls her in for a kiss. They passionately lock their lips together as Tor slides her hands underneath Johanna’s thighs and hoists her in the air, carrying her to the Queen-sized, canopy bed. She gently lays Johanna on the bed not daring to break the seal of their lips. Nothing tastes sweeter than Johanna’s lips, especially not right now, as they taste of champagne and strawberries. Her lips are like a drug. They draw Tor in closer, calling her name. She can’t break away, but she doesn’t want to- she craves more. The rush in her body from kissing Johanna’s soft lips is unlike any high and it’s a high she never wants to come down from. Tor slowly raises off Johanna’s top. Her skin is glowing golden-brown in the candlelight and the way the light hits her beautiful, green eyes makes them glow bright like an emerald. Tor gives her a couple kisses on the neck, then softly kisses her way down Johanna’s stomach that’s now covered in a million, tiny goosebumps. Each kiss that escapes Tor’s lips is as if she’s planting a tiny seed of her love in Johanna, in that it will grow inside of her and she can truly understand the love Tor has for her. Johanna’s soft skin matches the silk sheets on the bed so perfectly, that if it wasn’t for Tor knowing every inch of Johanna’s body inside and out she might possibly get lost on her way down. She begins to kiss from her hip bones to right below her waistline as she slowly grazes her fingertips up and down Johanna’s thighs. Tor wants to prove her love to Johanna right now. This time it isn’t about sex for her, but about proving her love and devotion to Johanna. She wants that connection that will create one person between the two of them. She wants nothing more than to become one with Johanna. Tor looks her in the eyes and thinks to herself, “It’s time I show you how much you mean to me. You are my world and I will prove it to you.”


8 September

After nine long, mind-numbing hours the plane makes it descent and begins to taxi on the runway. Sitting in the chair anxious as ever Vanessa “Ness” Morris taps a single finger on the arm rest and bounces her right leg up and down vexed. The thoughts running through her filthy mind begin to posses her, as she knows in just minutes she will finally be united with the person she’s only dreamed of meeting after all this time. The captain turns off the fasten seatbelt sign and alas, she is free! Ness bolts out of her seat and makes her way into the isle as all the jet-lagged passengers stretch and yawn. She darts down the isle, everyone around her a faceless blur, as she is only focused on the direct path that will release her to the reality at the end of this nightmare. She’s finally made her way through the never-ending tunnel and begins to search frantically for what is awaiting her arrival. Panic sets in as Ness looks from corner to corner of the crowded area when she finally spots her- Danni. She would notice that breath-taking, heart-melting smile from miles away. She thinks nobody has never looked so stunning before this moment. Her shirt shows the perfect amount of cleavage while her tight shorts hug every inch of her perfect ass and show off her tone legs. Ness can’t help but have the urge to sink her teeth into Danni’s amazing thighs. Everything about Danni screams sex. Ness has to have her now. They greet each other and share a passionate embrace for a moment, but Ness can’t endure it any longer. She grabs Danni by the hand and says, “Come with me” as she begins to weave her through the tangled mass of people going every which way. She reaches the restroom and eagerly pulls Danni into it. She makes her way to the stall and shoves Danni in, slamming the stall door behind her. She rushes up and begins to kiss her, as she runs her hands over every inch of Danni’s voluptuous body. Ness runs her hands through Danni’s hair, down to her neck, down to her shoulders, and all the way down her smooth back and slides her hand into the back of Danni’s shorts. Ness grabs her ass and pulls her in as close as possible as if to say, “I want you. I crave you. I desire every bit of you. I need you.” Ness grabs Danni by the hips and slams her against the wall, hoisting her in the air as she pushes her way between Danni’s thighs and begins thrusting her hips. The walls surrounding them begin to shake and creak with tremendous force. Danni digs her nails into Ness’ back and grips her shirt tight pulling Ness in as close as possible. Ness rips off Danni’s top then begins kissing her all over her perfect body and running her fingers through her long hair. She grabs one of Danni’s thighs and starts grinding on her. Ness begins sucking on her neck, lightly biting it, and slides her hand into Danni’s shorts- she’s already dripping. Ness begins to rub her hard, then slowly inserts one finger followed by another. Danni gasps and lets out a low moan. Ness begins to finger her slowly as Danni quietly moans. She starts going harder and faster, so she can hear exactly how wet Danni is. Ger moans grow louder and become in sync with each penetration while her breathing starts to become unsteady. Danni begins to whimper and groan so with her free hand, Ness clasps it over Danni’s mouth in an attempt to silence her, but it doesn’t succeed by any means. Danni’s moans are too extreme and Ness decided to just let it be. It only makes her want to go harder and faster. Danni begins writhing in pleasure and moaning uncontrollably. She’s so very close and she begs in between breaths, “Baby, I’m so…close. Baby…please…don’t stop. I’m almost…there.” Ness whispers in her ear, “Cum for me, baby.” Every inch of Danni’s body begins to tremble as she wraps her thighs tight around Ness, locking her in. She starts pulling on Ness’ hair as she screams “Mmmmm, fuck!” followed by a few squeals, when finally she wails out and arches her back tight intensifying her orgasm. She lets out one more loud, long moan and then says breathless, “Baby, I’m so glad you came. This is going to be one hell of a visit.”

(Source: heteroph0bia)

Is This “Normal” to You?

DISCLOSURE: If sex makes you uncomfortable and you’re a close-minded person, then don’t read this. This is very sexually graphic, but it’s written that way to try and prove a point. If you think you’ll be offended by something sexually graphic then don’t read this.

There are two characters and their names are “They” and “Her”. That’s all you need to know.

It starts with a simple, loving kiss which turns into a very slow, soft, passionate kiss. A kiss so passionate they get lost for many minutes in it. All they can focus on is each other and what’s happening in those very moments they’re embracing each other. This passionate kiss turns into a much heavier kiss and they know what they’re getting themselves into - they must have each other now. They continue heavily kissing while one starts to pull the other in closer, almost like They’re trying to become one with that person. They pull them in as close as physically possible and slide their hands down every perfect curve of Her body and rest them at Her waist, right about Her perfect butt. They tug at Her waist so tight as if to say, “You are my one and only. I need you. Let me show you.”Their bodies are heaving from the heavy breathing and She lets out a soft sigh as They trace their lips from Her mouth, to Her jawline, and stop above Her collarbone. They spend a little more time there as They can see She’s enjoying having Her neck sucked on. They slowly lay Her down as They continueto kiss Her neck, then make their way back to Her soft lips. They begin to feel every detail of Her torso with their hands and feel Her soft, smooth skin. They slowly raise off Her shirt and can’t believe someone so beautiful is in their arms right now. They think of how much they love this girl with every fiber of their body and theywant to show Her right now. They kiss Her lips and make their way to Her neck once more. She sighs quietly in agreeance. They then move to Her beautiful breasts planting a soft kiss on each one and lightly glide their tongue across them. She gives a slight whimper of approval as They begin kissing every inch of Her sexy, smooth stomach and tracing her navel with their tongue. Her breathing is getting heavier. They make their way to Her waist and with a few soft kisses, They begin to unbutton her skin-tight jeans and slowly pull them off. She is eager to get them off as She is very aware of the pleasure She’s about to endure. They kiss right along the top of Her panties, make their way to Her knees, and slowly kiss their way down Her tone thighs. As they get further and further sown her thighs, She becomes more and more eager for what she knows is about to happen. She lets out a few moans and They know She is ready. They slide off Her tiny, black panties, but decide to tease Her a little more because They want her pleading for their warm tongue. They don’t go straight in, but insteadlightly kiss the crevices between her thighs. They hover for a few seconds as They look Her in the eyes and can see the plea in them. They look in Her captivating eyes and know this is the girl they want to marry. This is the girl of their dreams - the love of their life. They know now is the time to prove their love. They very slowly and very gently begin licking her and with each touch of their warm, velvety tongue She lets out a whimper. She starts to become wet and moan. They pick up their intensity and She begins to lose control of Her body. Her body is writhing in complete ecstasy, and They increase their intensity even more. The pleasure is so intense she tries to pull away to regain her senses, but They don’t let Her. They only lock their arms around her hips and thighs and pull her in even closer. She can’t escape, but She tries to make it stop for just  second, even though they both know that’s not what she wants at all. She begins moaning uncontrollably and it’s very evident she is seconds away from climaxing. She tries to catch her breath between the moans, but can’t. Her body is trembling all over and she can’t contain herself any longer. She yells out one long moan and with an arch of her back it’s all over. They kiss their way very slowly over every inch of her body, back to her quivering lips, ensuring each kiss they plant is a sign of their love for this girl. They kiss Her one last time with a very long, soft kiss. They would truly do anything and everything for this girl. They look Her in the eyes and say, “Your girl loves you, and one day I’m going to make you my wife.”

So as you see, both characters in this story are girls. For the whole time you were reading your brain automatically said it was the “normal” love between a guy and a girl, then you find out it’s about two girls in love and you start to think it’s weird and unnatural. I’m trying to prove a point that love does not have a gender, and can be as natural and real as any other love before you cloud it over with your judgment.



I want the type of sickening, romantic love you see in all the movies. I long for the passionate, loving relationship you hear in all those sappy love songs that make your heartbeat race at record-breaking speeds just thinking of that person. My whole life I’ve endlessly searched for love. I’m starting to think that I will never have the one things I’ve always wanted. It just seems that life loves to trick me into falling for someone when I know I can’t have them, or so I like to point the blame towards life. This leads me to the point of my blog: unrequited love. That is the only love I seem to have come into contact with throughout my adolescent years, as well as my present years. I’ve either had very strong feelings or fallen head-over-heels in love with people that don’t return the love. I assumed maybe the whole “I want someone I can’t have” phase would pass as I grew older, but it hasn’t. It’s like, I’m asking for the pain because I persistently chase after the people I cannot have, all the while knowing I can’t have them. I always ask myself, “What’s wrong with me? Who does this keep happening to me?”, but it’s because I’m subconsciously choosing to do it. So why do I keep doing it? Something about not being able to be with someone I want makes me want them even more. This then leads me to work hard to get their attention, create a very strong bond with them, and then fall in love with them - knowing I can’t have them. I hate that I do this, but that’s just how my mind works when it comes to love. Not that I want to point the blame on anyone else for the way I think, but I’m going to take a shot and say that seeing my mom and dad’s relationships as a young child somewhat made the limbic system portion of my brain fail develop inefficiently. Located within the limbic system is the amygdala which is responsible for multiple emotional responses like love, fear, anger and sexual desire. I’ve noticed that each and every one of the categories listed above is definitely in my fucked-up thought process. Maybe this is my answer as to why I only fall in love with people I know I can’t have; why I’m so uncomfortable about sex, yet a closet nymphomaniac; and why I’m emotionally unstable at times, although that could just be hormones of a developing woman.

I don’t really know what point I’m trying to get across, because this is all sounding so jumbled to me, but it’s something that’s on my mind every day. I constantly wonder why I keep falling in love with people I can’t be with and why I can’t finally just have a normal, loving relationship with someone. Waking up and going to sleep with the security of a better tomorrow because you now have a purpose in life. To have something that makes your existence worthwhile. I’m tired of walking around wondering what my purpose is. I want the assurance of knowing I’m here because I’m everything that someone else needs. I want someone who I can cater to their every need and walk to Hell and back for, just because I love them that much. I want all this, and yes, I have felt these feelings plenty of times, but there’s only one problem: I just want the feeling to be returned for once. I want a mutual loving relationship with someone.

I continue to try and find that love, but maybe it’s time I sit back and let fate run it’s course. Maybe I need to not find love, but let love find me. It’s just too hard to sit back and wait for the thing you want most in life…

The Friend

6 April, 2012

It started out as friends and nothing more,

Just two people going through an experience like none before.

As time progressed the friends grew closer by theday,

What one didn’t know is the other started to think of them more than “that way”.

As the friends grew closer, this one’s feelings grew fonder.

Every time the friend was around they felt stronger and stronger.

They spent sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed,

Sorting through each and every jumbled thought in their head.

Each night eyes open wide,

Trying to cope with the feelings inside.

Until one day this brave one got the courage to say

How nobody has ever made them feel this way.

The friend already has someone to call their own,

Yet, this one always held onto that false hope.

Feelings remained the same,

To them it was clear these feelings would never change.

To their surprise, time passed and the friendship slowly, but surely, began to face.

They though to their self, “How did this happen and what has changed?”

It was something their fault, they know.

All those feelings should have never been shown.

They wait patiently to see what the future holds,

One thing they do know is it’s time to let those feelings go…

The good one’s always go.

And It’s All Downhill From Here…

I’m really getting scared because I’m starting to think that by the time I’m close to my 50’s I may possibly start losing my mind, literally… I’m already realizing things that could possibly lead to me losing my sanity. At the young age of 18 I feel like I need to start getting help, like seeing a psychiatrist. I’ve noticed I’m very manic/depressive as of late and Body Dismorphic Disorder is taking a huge toll on my mind. It’s all I can think about. I hate myself anytime I eat and I hate myself if I miss my second workout at the gym, or don’t go at all. I’ve even stooped to a new low of buying weight loss supplements even though I’m 112 lbs at a height of 60”. The only thing I can think about is my body and how unsatisfied with it I am, and not the “normal” unsatisfaction that the average teenage girl feels about their body.

I’m done writing for now… I just don’t really feel like it anymore.

The Reason I Love You is You

You’ve always stood out from everyone else. You set yourself apart from the rest of the crowd. There was always something about you that stuck out in my mind and it wasn’t until now that I realized why. Why everything you said was so fascinating to me. Why I thought you were the funniest, the smartest, the cutest, the sexiest, the most striking. The reason is because I feel something for you. I haven’t figured out what my exact feelings are, but it’s something I haven’t felt before. You’re one of a kind and something about you draws me in. Could it be your carefree spirit? Could it be that your incredible outlook on life or passion for peculiar things? You’re different and that’s what I love.

One Fell Swoop

"One Fell Swoop" by The Spill Canvas.

If I had to describe this album in one word I would say “Life”. Thankfully, I’m not limited to the amount of words I can use so I will describe what this CD means to me.

The Spill Canvas tells a story of the one thing we all search for in life: love. If there was ever a CD to take you on the wonderful, yet heartbreaking, journey of love, this is it. To me, Track 01 all the way to Track 13 tells a wonderful love story. Each and every song on this CD tells a different love story. Some tracks are filled with lustful passion, where others are filled with passionate love for another person or strong love between two people, concluding all the other tracks to be filled with passionate despise for that one that broke your heart. If you didn’t catch on by the multiple use of the word “passion”, this CD has just that flowing through every word beautifully sung by Nick Thomas, lead vocalist for The Spill Canvas. “One Fell Swoop” has gotten me through the heartbreak of many unrequited loves in my life, where it has also made a love for someone flow through every fiber in my body with such great intensity. Everyone can interpret music in their own way, and my way of connecting with this CD is through love -whether it be painful love or being head-over heels in love with someone.

Even if you’re angry at the whole world and despise love right now, this album can still bring you just as much feeling. Whether it be sadness, tranquility and peace, or happiness, this album will make you feel something that most albums won’t. These four guys put so much work into every tiny detail of this album and you will hear it through each instrument played and every word sung. The passion that comes from their souls that is poured out into these songs will have some type of impact on everyone. As I listen to this album while writing these very words you’re reading, just as these men make their music flow with passion, every word is written with a tremendous passion for their music. What will “One Fell Swoop” make you feel? Listen and find out:

01 - Lust A Prima Vista

02 - Staplegunned

03 - Polygraph, Right Now!

04 - Dutch Courage

05 - Natalie Marie and 1cc

06 - Teleport A&B

07 - Break a Leg

08 - This is For Keeps

09 - Himerus and Eros

10 - Valiant

11 - Secret Oath

12 - Bound to Happen

13 - Self-Conclusion

I Want The Perfect Body! …yeah, right.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can’t stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don’t want to be seen by anyone. Body Dysmorphic Disorder has sometimes been called “imagined ugliness.”

I realized how much time I spend every second of every day thinking of ways to improve my body and looks. If there’s one constant on my mind it’s sex appeal. I look at other people and think, “If I looked like them I’d be set. I want that sex appeal.” or “If I looked like this person or had this body then maybe I could have the one I love fall in love with me.” I feel like this issue has held me back my whole life. Confidence is everything. Without confidence, no one is willing to take chances or express themselves. I want to be someone who is confident in their skin and to be able to express it.

No Escape

I wrote this little (well I guess it’s not that little…) note not for attention from anyone, but simply because writing down what I’m feeling tends to help me after a while. I wrote this very late at night so I apologize that the writing isn’t vry good. I just needed to get my thoughts out there. So here it is, everyone:

11 March, 2012

As I lay in bed trying to force myself to sleep, as I have to be up at 0530, I can’t help but feel restless while my mind races a million miles a second. I know that I’m not at Tech School anymore, but it wasn’t until laying here tonight that I got a haunting realization. I guess I was starting to forget about Tech School, almost like it wasn’t even real. Then recalling it all, I’m overwhelmed with grief. It hit me, Placie isn’t here anymore… My roommate isn’t here to talk to every night when I go to sleep and she isn’t here to wake me up with her crazy catch phrases. I felt like none of that had ever happened, then I’m laying here remembering it all and I’ve never felt so alone. That then led me to remember my weekends with Rother, Placie, and Kim. How fun and simple it all was. I knew towards the end that I was going to miss them and hanging out, but I didn’t know I would miss it all like this. I have this empty feeling all of a sudden. I feel like a big part of me has been ripped away and now I’m here all alone to try and survive. The worst part is I have no way to contact anyone to talk about this. No internet or phone. Placie isn’t right here with me, Kim isn’t right next door, and my friends/family aren’t a phone call or text away. It’s just me, my thoughts, and the empty, lonely feeling I feel in my chest.

I write this next part with tears streaming down my face and I don’t think I can lie to myself about it all anymore. Every day I would tell myself, “There’s still hope. Maybe one day I’ll have a chance with the person I love. I feel like there’s a chance.” I always had a false hope that maybe things could work out for me and I could be with the one I love. Then I tried to erase my feelings like they weren’t important and thought maybe then I could try and get over them. I tried to erase my past thoughts I’d written down because I thought maybe if I didn’t hold onto the idea of loving them so much then maybe I could try to get over them. Well, surprise! It didn’t work… Day in, day out they’re what’s on my mind. I may get charged out the ass for phone calls but I constantly tell myself if I was to make one phone call a week I would use it on them because they’re what’s important to me. They’re the one I care about more than anything. I always held onto that false hope that one day I would get to be with them and I finally realized that day will never come. They are happy with someone else and I will never get my chance. Honestly, I’m glad they are happy with someone, though. I would rather them be happy than to get what I want so I’ve come to accept this fact with more ease than I normally would. The false hope is gone. I’ve finally left my world and I’ve reached my destination on planet reality. I want to go back to my world because I don’t like it here. It’s cold, lonely, and it hurts. I’ve lost my way, though, and will never find my way back. Hello, reality. Ironically, these are the lyrics currently playing, “This might be the heart ache that don’t stop hurting. These might be the tears that keep on falling, that won’t stop coming down.” Funny how life smacks you in the fact like that…

Lastly, there’s that feeling of how much I wish I could go back home. I miss the simplicity of everything. I miss my room, my TV, how easy communication was with everyone, my car, my mom, my friends, and Jourdan…the one guy I’ve ever felt so comfortable with my life. I miss him so much… I just miss home and everything that I took for granted. “Don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” has never been so true. I’m so alone here and it’s hard. At least if I was at Vogelweh I’d have Kim and Humke and all my other team member from Tech School. Here I just have myself and that’s all. There’s only so much to do to keep my mind away from the feeling of loneliness. Everyone is telling me I have a chance most people don’t get. Well if being isolated from everyone and being depressed and seeing no way out is “the chance of a lifetime” then step on up everyone! How am I supposed to enjoy this when I feel this way? I can’t enjoy my time here when I’m so fearful of the next day because I don’t know what I’m going to do for the next 24 hours.

Ahhhh, the feeling of drowsiness has finally started to overcome me. Now I can go to sleep and escape from everything for a few hours. Yippee.

Good night, world.

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